The life update that nobody asked for

I’m feeling better now! That’s the first update. These past few months have been a blur. I’ll take a break only to be stressed even more when I return to my regular days. HAY. This tired young(?) adult has little to no time to appreciate the blessings around her, so I’m writing this article as a reminder to write about the GOOD THINGS!

I tried to hide it because I didn’t want to jinx it, but here it goes: one of my dreams came true this year! I didn’t think it would happen this early (it’s only my second year in the workforce). To be honest, it wasn’t perfect. Nonetheless, it was amazing! I will write about it sometime after this busy period.

I have tons of deadlines that somehow coincided even if they are totally unrelated to one another, so yeah that’s just me reiterating how busy I am.

Lastly, a friend decided to cut me off lately. He meant so much to me I almost lost it. He said a lot of things that made me think about myself. He may be gone, but his criticisms are actually helpful. I used that opportunity to improve myself—basically what I’m doing right now.

In conclusion, I am a very busy girl as of the moment! I am just writing now because well, you make time for the things you love. 😉 I’ll be back!

How do you go back?

It has been a month since I deactivated my Facebook account and four days since I last opened messenger. I needed to take a breather after everything that has happened and found out.

I have been wary of myself, of the things I do, and I am aware that there are a lot of things I should improve on. I had no idea it was that bad. I’m gonna leave it at that. But the point is, I needed to get away from everything to try and look at my life at a different perspective.

At first, I saw how awful I am, just like what they told me. It was bad enough that I was feeling unworthy for the longest time already. Thank God I saw the light eventually. Things are not as awful as it looked. I may have just overreacted. I am a work in progress and there is nothing wrong with that.

But what now?

How do I go back?

Things are different now. Once I go back, I know that he won’t be there anymore. I don’t know, maybe I’m just delaying it. I’m delaying it because I know it would hurt and he wouldn’t care. But to be clear, it’s not just him. It goes to everyone too. It feels different and now more than ever,

I feel like I only have me.

Three times the charm

I fell in love when I was 17. He was my best friend at the time. Everything went well at first but fell apart eventually because we both lacked maturity. It was painful losing him. It took a while before I got over that hurt and finally let him go. I realized that if you hold something too close, you’ll lose grip of it all the more.

I fell in love again when I was 21. I knew him only for a short time, but it did not make me love him any less. It was a disaster. I learned that something that starts on the wrong foot will probably end badly too.

I was 22 when I met someone new. I was most careful not to develop feelings this time. We became friends and eventually, he became my go-to person. It was pure joy until he revealed that there is a girl. Pain struck and that’s when I completely knew that I care for him more than a friend. I realized that someone could be everything you wanted and still not be the one.

Last June drizzle

Why am I settling again?

It has been months of simple joys, emotion surges, second-guessing and sleepless nights. It was all fun and casual until cards were finally laid on the table.

This is what we are, why we are not, and how I chose to stay when I should have walked away.

How can I be so stupid? Once again, I was blinded by all the good that I have turned a blind eye to the rest. I should have shifted my gaze, but right now, it is too late. I’m in too deep.

We’ve made it clear, but somehow I put myself in the position everyone have put me in. I have allowed you to make it happen. What now?

I wonder how long will I be able to hold on. I wonder how long will I keep fooling myself that it’s all worth it.

I may know already how this one’s ending, but for future use: You deserve better. You deserve to be cared for that goes beyond convenience. You deserve to be more than “just a friend”. You deserve the time and attention you keep giving to everyone else. You deserve to be loved.

I’m so scared

I’m not sure if it’s he hangover talking or just the emotion rush these past few days. I had a free day—all time to myself. I use it to take all the time that I need to rest and do the things that I enjoy, but today feels different.

I’m having a panic attack. It seems like I’m not doing enough, or maybe I’m doing too much. I couldn’t get myself to finish anything. I feel like I’m lacking something. All kinds of thoughts fill my head.

I know that something is different. I cannot pinpoint what it is exactly, or maybe I’m just too afraid to admit. Fear washed over me and I’m so scared. I’ve got something to lose, and I cannot put my head around the thought of losing it.

Meh.

Today is election day in the Philippines, but that’s a totally different story though somewhat related to my thoughts. Because of election, I am given a long weekend and so are my thoughts.

I was on a streak— series of bad incidents kept happening to me for seven days straight. It was infuriating, but I got through it. I learned not to give a f*ck. Or when I did, I just kept expecting something bad will happen the next day so I won’t be disappointed.

It is four in the afternoon. I just got back from my province. I immediately went back to Mania after voting to avoid traffic. I was not able to avoid it but I’m here anyway so I’m just gonna talk.

This blog started on my birthday three years ago—the best birthday I ever had, probably the only birthday I enjoyed fully i.e. without sad tears. I didn’t realize that birthdays really mean less and less as you grow older. But I’m not just talking about birthdays, I’m pertaining to a lot of aspects of life too.

I’ve always given all in everything that I do. I end up being called as crazy or obsessed because when I want something, I really go for it. When I fail, boy, it’s like the end of the world. But that was before.

I realized that life needs a stroke of luck. There are things that no matter how hard you try, it’s just not for you. No matter how perfect it may seem, something will go wrong. If it’s too good to be true, it probably ain’t true. I may sound negative, but it’s true. Try looking at the other side of the coin too. There are things that we put so little effort but ended up having the best output. Luck.

I am not saying we should rely on pure luck though. After all, there are also other aspects like Divine Intervention. I am just saying that we should not beat up ourselves when things don’t work the way we want them too. Nor should we blame other people for our decisions. Trust the process.

I have no credibility whatsoever. After all, I’m just a 22-year old looking for something to do on this lazy afternoon after spending the whole weekend with her family (and dogs!)

Yeah, I’m just bored. Sue me.

Earth Day Run 2019!

I was supposed to write about something else — about not writing down my ideas because I forget them — but hey, I think this one is a better content! Okay, as I was writing this, I realize what it is now — about a dog during my daily commute. I’m going to put a pin on it and write about it later. I hope I don’t forget.

Pag biglaan, natutuloy series of 2019. We were having breakfast in the pantry when a colleague invited me to join National Geographic Earth Day Run 2019 TWO WEEKS before the race. I said yes immediately! At first, I was only running for 5 km but I decided to challenge myself so I chose 10K. I should have thought it through! LOL

A week before the race, I was busy with deadlines so I was only able to practice ONCE and I only ran 6k. I know. I was already doubting myself. I have never ran 10 km all my life. How will I finish 10 km without the practice??? To add to the agony, my period came TWO DAYS before the race. The nervousness crept in the night before. I woke up in the middle of the night panicking if I was gonna wake up on time. AAAAAGGGHHHH.

Thank God everything went well!

I was able to book a grab around 4 am (gunstart is at 4:30) — which was ideal because I had no plan B. I arrive at the starting line just few minutes before gunstart. People around me had buddies to run with them. I was alone (my officemate was somewhere in the wave 1; I was in wave 2) so I got even more nervous and excited. Soon enough, I was running!

I loved the energy of the people around me! I found myself running faster than I normally do, but I found my pace later on. The first part of the run was no biggie; I considered it as my warm-up. I did not even stop by the first water station. I even thought of not stopping at ANY water station until the end of the race. Ha! What a fool!

After I passed by the second water station, I felt my body slowly getting tired. I felt pain on the spine of my right foot. I decided to stop in the third water station to hydrate and to adjust whatever is needed for my right foot. I continued running shortly after, reminding myself that I have ran 6k already, only to find out later on that I have only been running 4k. What?!?!

I kept running anyway. I was my own cheerleader. I kept talking to my legs to keep moving and reassuring my heart not to fail. “Okay ka pa ba? Laban tayo.” Yes, I said that line out loud several times.

I decided to walk briskly during my running break. My right foot was aching harder and my body did not seem to be satisfied with water. I had to keep reminding myself that it’s all okay. “Hey legs, don’t give up just yet, okay?”

Towards the end of the race, I was walking more often than I was running. I was on 8k mark when I felt blisters between my legs. Ugh why did I forget to put petroleum jelly??? On the 9k mark, my heart was throbbing. That is when I slowed down further. It was the first time I felt that while running. Maybe it was my body telling me how tired it was. The tips of my fingers started to get numb too. Don’t give up! You’re so close! Seeing the banners of the supporters of other runners fueled me too. Konti na lang!

Despite all the pain, I finished the track running! AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! I MADE IT! No one welcomed me on the finish line but knowing my main supporter and source of strength was watching over me is enough. Thank God for guiding me and blessing me enough to finish the race!

What an experience! My legs were sore two days later, but it was worth it! Planet or plastic? Definitely Planet!

P.S. What an organized event! Kudos to all who took part in the planning, preparation and execution!

Good Riddance

Enough.

Was I? Is it?

It took me one and a half year, but I’m grateful it’s finally over. I was supposed to write this right after the confrontation happened, but I was too angry and got busy. It’s better to write now that I’m in a calm water.

There were two people involved, two people I loved so dearly. We were good friends. We instantly clicked. It was so easy; no wonder they pushed me out of the boat just as easy.

The first person was my closest friend for a while. We told each other everything without filter, without the fear of being judged. We even planned to be each other’s bridesmaids someday.

The second person was my… love. Giving up was never an option. I chose him everyday, even on the days that he left me hanging. It was worth fighting for, or so I thought.

There were a lot of things that happened in between but the bottom line is they decided to cut me off. I received the explanation two weeks ago when they cornered me into a confrontation.

Good riddance is the best phrase to summarize what happened. They took my past mistakes against me. They didn’t even consider listening to me. I just received what they had to say. When I did say my thoughts, the ones that I swallowed before because I was giving them the benefit of the doubt, they didn’t care.

It was so painful I couldn’t stop crying for hours, I couldn’t even sleep. All their words were echoing inside my head, taunting me for this stupidity.

The next day, I was angry. I poured my heart out only for them to use it against me. I felt betrayed.

Then, I was okay. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulder. They did not appreciate what I did for them, so what? I defended them for so long, only to be judged, so what? Was it my loss?

Suddenly, I am free. I won’t have to think of them when I make my decisions. I won’t have to worry about how they would feel. I am not waiting for anyone anymore. Everything from that day on, is for me.

It may seem like a waste that I spent so much time loving and caring about people who turned on me in the end. At this point, I consider it a good learning experience. I realized how much love I was willing to give, and that I should be careful to whom shall I give it to.

I’m thankful this is over.

Sometimes, God’s blessings are not what He gives, but what He takes away.

We have come a long way

We are never the same person that we are yesterday. We are definitely not the same person we are a year ago. 

I was waiting for my bus to arrive when this song played. It was one of those songs that reminded me of a memory that was long gone. Each time it plays, I’ll think of a certain someone and tear up. When I heard that song on that day, however, it didn’t hurt. I just enjoyed the music, moving my head to the rhythm. 

I was browsing IG stories and saw that same person on a friend’s story. Usually, there would be a pang in my heart and tell myself how much I miss him. But during that moment, I felt okay. I even replayed the story just to be sure, but nothing. 

It was the date when my ex broke up with me four years ago. Looking back, I was in so much pain I thought I would not recover from. I was crying, begging him to give us another try. It was a dark season for me. But here we are now, glad that my relationship ended.

There were many aspects I would love to share — ones that do not involve the same person I have been talking about the entire year — but I would rather keep them to myself and my loved ones. After all, there are stories you tell, and there are stories you don’t.

The bottom line is I have made progress, in every aspect of my life. I am growing everyday. It’s scary and exciting at the same time. But above all, I’m grateful for all the lessons and for what’s yet to come.

x

Balikan kung bakit ka nagsimula (Ben&Ben)

Trust Ben&Ben to reach your hearts whenever they write a song. I’ve been a fan since our University days and have been hooked ever since. They write amazing songs in either Filipino or English. You must have heard Leaves, Kathang-Isip, Ride Home (my personal favorite) or Maybe The Night on the radio several times now.

And recently, the music video for their song Susi was released. Nothing but respect for this group. I mean,

Nakulong, nakulong, nakulong ka…

Nakulong ka sa maling pag-iisip 

 

Pasanin man ang mundo

Wag ka lang susuko

Nandito lang ako

Mga batikos wag nang diringgin
Pakawalan lang yan sa hangin
Bukas ay malapit na rin dumating

Lumaban ka pa rin

Balikan kung bakit ba nagsimula
Bago mo sabihin na ayaw mo na
Wag mong sosolohin
‘Di ka mag-isa

 

Ikaw pa rin ang susi sa mundo ng iyong tadhana

 

I have been playing the song non-stop, being fueled by hope on each rewind. To anyone feeling down, worthless or maybe you just needed that one push to move forward, listen to this song. I’m just gonna translate some of the lyrics as a final message to anyone reading,

You are not alone in your battle. When everything doesn’t make sense, when you feel like giving up, always remember why you started. You can do it, hun!