I’m taking an indefinite hiatus. I thought you should know.
Writing has been a source of comfort for me for as long as I can remember. This blog became a refuge; sadly, it doesn’t feel that way anymore. I thought of deleting it but I put some travel tips (?) here so I figured someone (maybe just me) might need it someday.
Thank you for being with me. Please don’t look for me. Peace out!
Today marks day 1 of this season’s cross.
I’ve been doing some pre-game weeks ago and I slowly jumped in on the train of productive routine, but this did not stop me from having anxious thoughts. Since then, I have received assurance that I still have time, that I can finish strong.
Today, I received another assurance. During Fr. Bob McConaghy’s homily, he told a touching story of a couple carrying their cross in this pandemic. He reminded us that God wants to give us so much joy, but there will be pain that will come alongside it. Still, he encourages us to take this cross and assured us that God is carrying it with us.
From another world, Seo Yeji picked a jenga with a sticker on it and picked the mission of a sending a message to herself. She told herself that it’s okay to be exhausted and to struggle. She has Gang Tae and Sang Tae beside her anyway. Fighting!
If we can’t beat fear, we can always do it scared. May this post remind you that you are not alone!
Rushing myself to write during this brief moment of solitude today before my roommate comes home from doing errands.
I planned to write an hour ago but I indulged myself instead in watching my top kdrama (Hospital Playlist — which I’m going to write about eventually) as of writing. I have just finished crying over episode 12 and it was the push I needed to write my thoughts.
This lockdown made me realize how much I enjoy being alone. Being stuck with my roommate for 24/7 the past 3 months was so stressful (next to the incompetent government that we have). We try to stay at different sides of the room, but it was still hard to breathe. The situation was so stressful the condition of my heart acted up again and my skin showed signs of unhealthy environment. You gotta listen to your body y’all! Moments like these (alone in the condo, enjoying my peace) are really gold! I use this time to really relax and do stuff I can’t whenever my roommate is around.
This living situation made me change my plans of having a family. It is such a big responsibility and too much work! I now plan to earn as much as I can so I can afford to live alone. I don’t have to answer to anyone, I don’t have to be obliged to talk to someone nor reciprocate their actions towards me. I can decide not to eat and no one else will starve. I can do my chores and other hobbies without worrying I might disturb someone else. If I decide to help out or speak my voice against the injustices in my country, I wouldn’t have to worry about threats towards my own family because I’m alone anyway LOL. I love this freedom.
Everything comes with a price, I know. There are days when I feel down. I sleep the worries away because I know that talking to people will just drain the energy out of me. Crying myself to sleep is less tiring, imo. I’m okay though. Don’t mistake me for a sad person because I’m really the happiest when I’m alone. I perform best in my tasks when I’m alone. I can express my concerns and give compassion more at this state. I am free.
Solitude allows me to get to know, evaluate and better myself. I understand and accept that we need people too. I wouldn’t have survived nor have the privilege of being alone without my loved ones. Right now, I’m just enjoying the privilege of being able to limit the amount of human interaction I have.
I feel like I may sound selfish… but what do you know? I know myself best.
Turning another page has never been more peaceful. Last year, I chose to spend time with one of my many low-maintenance friend groups in college. We ate, drank, told stories and looked back at all our crazy memories. It was a fun heartfelt night. This year, I planned on spending it alone (even before ECQ) and wow, I did not realize I was in for a surprise.
The previous day, I already arranged for a cake to be delivered (a gift from my sister) so I would not be burdened on the day itself. I happily went on with my morning ritual of exercise, breakfast, coffee and started working when a grab driver called me. My agent sent me a birthday cake! After I got back from getting the delivery and washing up, I joined the work conf. call only for them to surprise me with a birthday video. I was already tearing up (good thing my camera was turned off!) and then to my surprise, my work friends sent me a cake! Yes! Another cake! My heart was already overflowing with happiness. I was so grateful for the friends and family God has surrounded me with.
I blew my candles away from the cake (we are responsible citizens here unlike someone who had a party despite the quarantine lol) and gave some slices away to the guards and workers of our building. Lunch was sponsored by my other sister. She ordered my favorite seafood! I then continued working. There was a company-wide conf call and I was in-charge as the “technical director”. To my surprise, a lot of people greeted me even I kept it low-key. It was a simple gesture, but I was happy, too happy that I did not mind the stress from that day. After work, I attended mass, called my family and then called my work friends (who sent me the cake). Their kids (whom I miss so much) greeted me and showed me their milestones. One of them even prayed for me before sleep. My heart is full.
Even without the cakes, it was a perfect day to celebrate. It was the quietest most heartwarming celebration I had. I am truly grateful.
While this is enough for me, I know there are other people who wishes to celebrate differently but cannot be allowed because of the crisis we are all in. I pray for healing and miracles especially to those who need it the most. I hope that our government find ways to serve the people above all else.
Privileged to have food, shelter and a job that allows me to work from home, here are the things I have been up to during this enhanced community quarantine.
I have been enjoying my time watching new kdramas and re-watching favorites. I thought to myself a few days ago that this pandemic will soon be part of history. I want something accessible to look back on so I’m writing this.
The first week was a struggle work-wise. I wanted to work, but I was more interested in the pandemic itself. I am browsing news every chance I get and I try to spread accurate news to my colleagues. I also took the chance to check up on friends who work away from home (like me). I saw the WFH setup as an opportunity to do things I’d rather do than being stuck in Manila traffic. I worked out daily, doodled, painted, and attended online gigs! I also discovered shows such as The Return of the Superman (Na Eun and Gunhoo!) and the guesting of IU and Lee Joon Gi in Knowing Brothers! I was so thankful for these opportunities escape from the evil that is the Philippine Government.
The second and third week continued to be a struggle getting work done. I had reports to do and a paper to finish, but it was so hard to be productive. The updates from the government wasn’t of help either. During this time, Pimentel broke quarantine rules despite being PUI (which turned out to be positive ugh) and was not reprimanded!
During the fourth week, I was injured (the details shall remain confidential) and broke down crying the next day for a different reason: hopelessness. After Du30 was given emergency powers, I hoped that things would change or that certain improvements would be made for the welfare of the people. Instead, he served death threats. Worse, people (even those who are not DDS) kept on defending him, saying that the death threats are for the “left”. It sucks to live in a world where violence is tolerated just because they are not directly affected. I felt so helpless and at that moment, I prayed.
Even prayers are different now. Holy Week just passed by. This season is when my mom and I bond the most and it sucked to be away from her. Mother’s Day has passed and I’m still away from her. I miss my family (including our three loving dogs).
On the other hand, I found myself a bit free. I got to filter some unnecessary chats from work. I have always helped people when needed even if it’s hard or an inconvenience for me. This ECQ, I get to be a little selfish by putting my mental health first. It is a blessing that I have no one to look after but myself.
It has been almost two months since ECQ started and another extension was announced earlier. I’m slowly getting back my momentum at work and I spend more time talking to my family. I enjoy my time watching dramas and I even finished a great book (Ang Banal Na Aklat Ng Mga Kumag by Allan Derain). Yet, I can’t help but worry for the underprivileged members of our society.
There are a lot of donation drives and a lot more people willing to donate. But we all know that this isn’t enough. Our people are not getting what they deserve: a competent government. Our government should have been serving the people, but their priorities are somewhere else. In fact, they even prioritized closing ABS-CBN over the HEALTH ISSUE we are facing today! ECQ without mass testing is useless, yet all we hear from speech are curse words. We ask for accountability but all we got are excuses and injustices.
Another day has passed, but the situation has gotten worse. I am hopeful that we’ll find a solution to the crisis we’re in, that we’ll all get through this.
“We resist, struggle, fight and win. That’s how we shape the world we live in.” (Chicago Typewriter, 2017)
In the end, fate and timing do not just happen by coincidence. They are the products of countless earnest choices that make up miraculous moments. Giving up and making decisions without reservation or hesitation. That is what makes timing.
He wanted her more than i did. I should have been more courageous. It was not the traffic light. Nor the timing. My countless hesitations were to blame.
From: Reply 1988 Ep 18
I don’t think I have ever became this attached to any kdrama my whole life. I am so invested that when I read a spoiler about the ending, I bawled my eyes out. I have not watched the two remaining episodes and I am going to keep it that way. For now, let me write about this surge of emotions.
Is now a right time? I am taken aback by this question in my head countless times in my life. I have always hesitated, thinking that it would not be a good timing. There have already been a lot of lost opportunities and regrets. Yet, why do I always hesitate?
I have always settled for what is given, because I have always thought that maybe, that’s the only thing meant for me. I do not want to strip someone off something that’s rightfully theirs. Then, this monologue happened, reminding me that it is enough. Enough with the self-doubts and cowardice. How many more chances are you going to waste? If not now, when?
At the end of the day, we are responsible for our own. If you are looking for a sign, this is it. Be brave.
Songs of Ebe Dancel have always been my go-to songs whenever I wanted to cry the sadness away. His songs were amazingly crafted to tell a story, set the mood, then touch your heart in ways you could imagine. I have always wanted to hear him perform live, but circumstances seem to never cooperate until August 3, 2019!
Ebe Dancel had a mall show in Edsa Shangri-La! There was a surprisingly huge crowd, but Ebe pulled through! I was late to the show, so I didn’t get to hear him perform Prom. Still, it was a dream come true! He sang the heartfelt Dapithapon and another favorite, Bawat Daan!!! Nahanap din kita (kay tagal kong naghintay)~
The universe was already kind enough to let me experience his music live, but it gave me a bonus: I got to meet him! When the show ended, people lined up backstage in the hopes of meeting him, and we were given that opportunity! I was a mess (I even dropped pieces of paper before we took a photo), but my heart is full!
Mr. Ebe Dancel, if ever you ever come across this, I just want to thank you again for your music! And for loving our country no matter how hard it gets. Mabuhay ka!
I am so preoccupied with everything going on in my life I haven’t been writing in this life. Apologies for the three-month late blog! Hopefully, I get to finish my Tokyo blog and another dream come true blog!
It was 2013. My classmate spent the summer break in Japan and uploaded photos of the entire trip. The Sakura season was almost over yet, the cherry blossom trees still looked beautiful. Ever since that day, seeing the cherry blossoms in Japan became a dream of mine.
It was 2016. We were given an opportunity to go out of town for our school trip. Japan was one of the options. I chose Japan, but my batchmates chose differently. Later that year, an opportunity to study in Japan came up. I applied, but my application was denied. It broke my heart, but maybe, God has better plans.
It was 2018. An opportunity knocked again; this time, it is just a short course. I tried applying, but failed once again.
2019 was when it finally happened. My sister was arranging a birthday trip for our mother, but she had other plans. Since my sister already filed a leave, she decided to still take a vacation. She decided to make my dream come true.
We were both busy with work, had little time to rest and even more little time to plan a trip. I was stressed because I wanted to make the trip perfect but wasn’t incapable of doing so. I was all over the place before and during the trip, but it’s still one of the most amazing experiences of my life!The trip was a month and a half ago, but I’m still on Japan high! It was worth the wait and I’m definitely coming back!
Here are the links of the Tokyo blog! 1) Tokyo DisneySea 2) Odaiba 3) Tokyo
Babble Away 