Posted in If We Were Talking

2

Loving from afar.

‘Di ko na mabilang kung ilang kaibigan ang sinabihan ko ng linyang ‘yan. ‘Di ko na rin mabilang ilang beses ko ‘yan sinabi sa sarili ko. Madali kasi sabihin kung wala ka sa sitwasyon. Sa totoo lang, wala pa ata akong successful attempt diyan. Naniniwala kasi akong kung mahal mo ‘yung isang tao, ipakita mo, iparamdam mo. Kasi nga ‘di ba, we only regret the chances we didn’t take. Pero sabi nga nila, may mga bagay kang gagawin na ‘di mo akalaing magagawa mo. Lalo na pag mahal mo.

Oo, tungkol pa rin ‘to sa’yo. Pasensya na kung paulit-ulit pero ‘di bale, ‘di na naman kita kinukulit. Makulit pa rin ako, pero mas kaya ko na pigilan ang sarili ko. Nakakahiya aminin pero inaabangan pa rin kita mag-online. Tipong makita ko lang ‘yung pangalan mo sa sidebar (kapag desktop) o online contacts (kapag messenger), okay na ako dun. Kaya nga nalungkot ako noong tumagal kasi hindi na ikaw ‘yung nasa pinakaunahan ngayon. Kasi nga, ‘di naman na tayo nag-uusap. Kaya aaminin ko na rin na kapag ‘di lumilitaw ang pangalan mo, binubuksan ko pa rin ‘yung chat. Nitong huli nga, lagi akong nag-aalala kasi napapansin ko na umaabot ka ng 24 hours offline. Iniisip ko na lang na busy ka sa pag-aaral. Pero ‘di ko itatangging naiisip ko ring magkasama kayo. ‘Yung pagiging makulit ko ay umaabot sa utak ko. Ang daming senaryong naiisip. ‘Yung takot sa puso ko, lalong kumakapit. Iniiwasan ko na lang sa pamamagitan ng pag-iisip na sige, kasama mo siya, okay lang basta ligtas ka. Wala rin naman akong magagawa.

Ang bigat sa pakiramdam mag-alala. Lalo pa’t hindi siya natatapos. Iniisip ko na nga lang na kaya mo naman alagaan ‘yung sarili mo, na kahit gaano kabigat ang academic load mo ngayon, kakayanin mo. Sinusubukan kong papaniwalain ‘yung utak ko na okay ka lang kasi kung malaman ko naman na ‘di ka okay, wala rin akong magawa. Makakagulo lang ako. Dadagdag lang ako sa iisipin mo. Kaya eto ako, tahimik na lang na nagsusulat. Dito na lang inilalahad.

May mga pagkakataong naka-type na ‘yung message ko para sa’yo. Ise-send ko na lang. Pero salamat naman at nagagawa kong burahin kesa i-send sa’yo. Dahil wala akong ibang magawa kundi ang ibigay sa’yo ang space na ninanais mo. Isa pa, alam ko rin namang wala akong lugar sa buhay mo. Kaya eto’t sinusubukan ko lang patayin ‘yung takot. Sabi nga sa A Second Chance,

“The truth is, you love him kaya kung nahihirapan kang pagkatiwalaan siya, pagkatiwalaan mo ang pagmamahal mo sa kanya.”

Wala man ‘yang pagmamahal mo para sa’kin, andito pa rin naman ‘yung pagmamahal ko para sa’yo. Patuloy akong nagtitiwala hanggang sa abot ng makakaya ko. Mamahalin kita dito sa malayo. Andito lang ako. Lumingon ka man o hindi, ipagpapasa-Diyos ko na lang ‘tong puso ko.

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Posted in Faith, Personal Events

Holy Week Tradition

Holy Week is the last week of Lenten Season— the highlight of Christian faith. It is the fulfillment of God’s promise of resurrection. I look forward to Holy Week because of the traditions that I get to participate in during this season.

  • Visita Iglesia

Visita Iglesia is usually done on Maundy Thursday (at least that’s the day my mom and I do it). We join a certain group of family friends in visiting churches, praying 2 stations of the cross in every church. It is our third year joining this particular group and this year’s destination was Quezon.

Unlike the previous years, this year’s weather was tolerable and none of the churches we went to are crowded. The atmosphere was solemn and the heat wasn’t much of a problem.

(I’ll attach the church photos once I get a better internet signal)

  • Station of the Cross

I wake up early to participate in the 4 am station of the cross procession at the community. I used to do it with my family, then with my mom, but for two years, I go to it alone. Going by myself is not an issue because it is just around our community and I have friends from church (referred to as Youth) who help in organizing the said activity. The procession usually lasts for about two and a half hours.

  • Reading of Passion of Christ

After the procession, the Youth usually go home first and rest then return to church at 9 am to read the Passion of Christ along with the elders. We read the verses in a tune–there are different rhythms available– in a rotation. Say, a group of elders reads the first stanza, another group reads the second stanza, the youth will read the third and the cycle goes on. It is pretty tiring so we also take turns in resting and eating.

I particularly enjoy this year’s reading because the youth were able to blend properly. We are not choir members but we were able to sing right. Yay!

  • Procession

This is a Good Friday tradition of my Mom. We go to another city (where our business is located) and participate in procession. This is attended by many and it serves as a mini reunion for me and the people who live around the area. There is no year when we didn’t meet at least 3 acquaintances. I studied grade school in this city so I also see former teachers, principals and families of former classmates.

  • Easter Vigil

Easter Vigil occurs on the eve of Easter — Black Saturday. If you want to witness the Catholic Church’s tradition, you should participate in this ceremony. Here’s an overview: All the lights are switched off. The Priest will bless this bonfire and Pascal candle then the people will light their own candles from the Pascal candle. The Priest will lead everyone in entering the church while the ceremony goes on. My favorite is when people sing:

Si Jesukristo’y nabuhay, Siya’y ating kaliwanagan

Several readings and psalms are read before the Eucharistic Celebration starts. This is a joyful moment since for the first time in the season of Lent, Papuri sa Diyos is sung. Moreover, the lights are finally switched on so for the people who are already dozing off, they will surely be awakened. LOL. During this Easter Mass, we renew our faith and be baptized again in Christ—a fulfillment of God’s promise of Resurrection.


Aside from the activities, what makes Holy Week special is the chance that it gives to all of us. It is a reminder that God will forgive us for whatever sins we may have committed because he loves us. “For God so love the world, He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have eternal life.” (John 3:16) We are resurrected in Jesus Christ, and in return, we live in God’s ways.

May we all live in Him and in times that we fail, may we always find the light and turn to Him.

Posted in If We Were Talking, Music

Moira made me cry

I survived your birthday thanks to a friend’s birthday celebration that night. My friends who are aware of my situation guarded me whenever I touched my phone. They made sure I didn’t contact you. The universe cooperated as well by making sure my mobile and internet connection were at their weakest. Even if I wanted to greet you up to the last minute, there was no way.

You know I wanted to spend that day with you. I kept reminding you weeks before to include me in your schedule, but you didn’t. So I just enjoyed someone else’s birthday, someone who actually invited me to celebrate his birthday. So I did. We were laughing the entire night. We enjoyed the food, music, alcohol, teasing and the stories we shared. The distraction worked for a while until I went home the next day.

I sat on my spot in the condo, opened my laptop, and opened Spotify to start working. I was browsing my to-do’s when I heard Moira dela Torre singing with a guy.

goodnight my love
Oh I love you
Someday in time I get to hold you
Inside my heart Its long over due
Goodnight my love I’ll see you soon

I opened the Spotify window to double-check if it was Moira and to check who the guy was–it was Nieman. The song was Goodnight My Love. I just stared at my laptop screen as tears started to form. Hay nako talaga si Moira! 

Heaven got you safe and sound
though you’re not here right now
I am beginning to tearing the seas
a moments all that we’re allowed
Is it ok to let go?
Now that I know how

While the song was about a loved one who was now with our Creator (correct me if I’m wrong), it felt familiar because it was also about letting go. At this point of the song, I was unable to move as the waterworks kept coming. I was asking myself if it was time to let you go. Do I know how to?

Goodnight my love
Know I love you
Someday in time I get to hold you
Inside my heart It’s long over due
Goodbye my love I’ll see you soon

Thank God I always have a stack of tissues on my desk. Tears were flooding my face and like a duet, my nose kept dripping as well. LOL. I have heard the song before but hearing it that day made me even miss you even more. Yet, I cannot do anything about it. I opened our chat window and just stared at it. I wanted to talk  to you, but it won’t change anything, anyway. I just let Moira finish the song while I missed you for long.

Goodbye my love I’ll see you soon 

Posted in If We Were Talking

I miss you

everyday.

Today, however, is a whole level of longing. I already did what I can to distract myself from missing you: painting, working out, drinking, overworking. When I finished those, the longing was still there. I decided to let myself feel those emotions I was running away from. Then, it got out of hand.

Whenever I miss you, I just look back to our memories and it instantly makes me a little bit better. It reminds me that we had our time and though it had to end, it was wonderful. What we had was something I am thankful for. But, when I did that today, instead of displaying a smile, tears started streaming down my face.

I miss our conversations. I miss making fun of each other. I miss supporting you by your side. I miss hearing your stories. I miss that look you give me whenever you are not pleased. I miss how your eyes lit up whenever you are surprised. I miss your voice. I miss your scent. I miss holding your hand. I miss your hugs. I miss everything about you. I miss you.

Sadly, I cannot do anything about it. No matter what I feel, nothing will change your decision. I know we have made peace already, but forgive me, this is just one of those days. I wish I could do more than write an open letter. I hope I can love you not just from afar.

But all I can do is this. I hope you’re well, my love.

Posted in Music

Over October

2017 was the year I fell in love with Filipino Indie music deeper. I guess this goes for a lot of people from my age group as well (I’m 21, btw). While a lot of  indie artists are being recognized (IV of Spades, Autotelic, Ben&Ben, Ang Bandang Shirley, and moreeee), I want to talk about a recent favorite: Over October.

I was just sitting on my desk, taking a break from work, when Free played on spotify. And boy, my heart melted.

All you need and more / Gadgets and gizmos galore / Tricks and trades they never fade / No keeping track of our score / Sunny walks on high street / Grab some milkshakes at Starr’s / I go to bed I can’t sleep / Daydreaming at night / These thoughts I can’t fight but //

You’re everything I need no more, no less / Girl I know we’ve got so much in store / For us it’s a beautiful mess / So let me take you by the hands / Just follow me and see //

We together just you and me / The storms may rise, the skies may fall / But we / We’ve got each other / We’re right where we need to be / It’s not you, it’s not me, we’re we //

Sun and stars she shames / Sweet melody in her name / A constellation masterpiece / She’s my light in my night but I get lost in her eyes oh / She’s everything I need no more, no less / Girl I know we’ve got so much in store / For us it’s a beautiful mess / So let me take you by the hands / Just follow me and see //

We together just you and me / The storms may rise, the skies may fall / But we / We’ve got each other / We’re right where we need to be / It’s not you, it’s not me, we’re we / Yeah //

One more feeling epiphanies revealing / The truth about my healing I’m free / One more moment the memories the’re showing / The consciousness of knowing I’m free //

One more feeling epiphanies revealing / The truth about my healing I’m free / One more moment the memories the’re showing / The consciousness of knowing I’m free / Yeah yeah //

We’re right where we need to be

It’s just you and just me.

That’s just one song; imagine listening to the whole Ep, Free. One thing’s for sure: OPM ain’t dead.

P.S. Their performance during Rakrakan Festival 2018 was amaaaaazing.

IMG_20180224_204228

Posted in If We Were Talking

Sa Panaginip

Pwede ba tayong bumalik sa panaginip?

Kung san ‘di lamang idinadaan sa silip

Ang mga damdaming sa puso’y nakalakip

 

Kamay mo ay malaya kong nahahawakan

Kahit kailan gustuhin, ika’y nahahagkan

Bawat sandali’y ninanais kong balikan

 

Hindi maubusan ng pinag-uusapan

‘Di mapantayan ang ating mga tawanan

Walang angal kahit mauwi sa iyakan

 

Hindi natitinag kahit nag-aaway

Gulo’y pag-uusapan hanggang magkamalay

Iintindihin, aayusin ng walang humpay

 

Gustuhin mang bumalik, matagal nang wala

Ngayon ay mag-isa akong nangungulila

Ninanamnam ang ating mga alaala

 

Punong-puno ng kulay ang bawat salita

Kasama man dito pati na ang dalita

Walang mintis kong pipiliin, ikaw, sinta

 

Mahal ko, ito ba ay naaalala mo?

Napapasabing “atin ang sandaling ito,

“Tumagal pa sana, dito na muna tayo”

 

Pinipilit pigilan ang takbo ng oras

Naghahabol upang ‘di umabot sa wakas

Sana nandito ka, dumating man ang bukas

 

Kahit ano pa ang ilagay sa’king isip

Tanggap kong ito ay isa lang panaginip

Maghihintay, hanggang sa muli mong pag-idlip

 

 

Posted in If We Were Talking

1

I can’t believe a month has already passed since you told me about your choice. Those 28 days were difficult; it was four weeks worth of plans I had for us. I was waiting for you to turn around up to the last minute, but no luck. So here I am, writing my feelings away, letting strangers read what’s actually meant for you.

Before I called you that night, I was excited for February. Your birthday falls on the first week, the music festival was on last week, and that excuse day–Valentine’s day–in between. I don’t care much about the middle, but I was excited for your birthday. It fell on a Saturday so it wouldn’t be a bother to your academics. I planned out a meal, whether lunch or dinner or both, whichever is convenient for you. I prepared an online order for your birthday gift. I wouldn’t say what it was 😛 I cancelled it anyway. I know this wasn’t much, but I’m sure it would have made you happy.

Valentine’s day was nothing. I was deployed that day for work. It was Ash Wednesday, the start of season of lent. I hope you’re repenting for your sins??? Just kidding. If we were talking, I would have invited you that weekend to watch Meet Me in St. Gallen. I’m not sure if you have watched the trailer, but I bet you also noticed the things that I did. LOL.

The last plan was the music festival. I already put this plan behind me since I had no one to go with. Our friend had a family event planned on that day and my other friends were preoccupied too. But then, I won two tickets! I was happy at my luck, but got disappointed because there is no one I would rather be with, but you. *sigh* I thought of selling the tickets, but hesitated since I really wanted to go to that event. I had to remind myself that my world doesn’t stop spinning just because you are not there anymore. I asked around and was able to find a friend that loves live performances too. If you went with me, you would have loved that festival. They played the songs that we both enjoy listening to. It was the perfect way to relieve your stress from school. It could have been a perfect way to say goodbye. I didn’t realize that you were long gone already.

That was my February.  There were days I would drown myself with work just so I won’t think of you. I overworked myself too much I was sent to the clinic and discovered I am experiencing fatigue. I wouldn’t refer to it as a month of forgetting you, but a month of loving you from afar. A part of me was convincing myself that you are just a crush, a giddy feeling that would just go away, but my heart knows better. The heart knows what it feels even if the brain refuses to believe it.

I miss you. You know, I do. If it was just up to me, I would run to you and love you for as long as I could. But you have made your choice, and I respect that. I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. You deserve to be happy despite everything that has happened. If all else fails, I’ll be here. Always.